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Surely by now, we all get how it’s a good idea to pick a board-certified plastic surgeon for anything involving your boobs. And surely we don’t have to tell you that Dracula doesn’t fall into the category of breast-improvement specialists. Then again, maybe we do. Lady celebs at the 2016 Oscars got a gift certificate for a vampire breast lift. Go back and read that again. Vampire. Breast. Lift. What?!

The Lowdown on Vampire Breast Lifts

Here’s how a vampire breast lift goes. First, you make a blood donation to yourself. The doctor spins the blood to separate the platelets, then injects the blood into your boobs. Supposedly, the human growth factors in the blood kickstart your natural breast tissue into tightening up. And it’s mad cheap, only $1,900.

You Should See Results in... Well, Never

But does it work? Is a vampire breast lift just as good as legit breast lift? Let’s start by saying that well-educated doctors who would know think the vampire breast lift isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Although research is ongoing on human growth factors, current studies don’t support the “science” of a vampire breast lift. If anything, the vampire breast lift effect may be more like “vacation boobs” where saline is injected to plump your boobs for a while but you likely won’t see a change in the position of your breasts.

The Real Path to Better Boobs

There are these procedures called a breast lift and breast augmentation with these magical things called saline and silicone breast implants. Spin these ingredients together and you’ll get fuller boobs with a more youthful position without the sketchiness of a vampire boob lift. And did we mention that your results are long-lasting? Now that’s a deal worth the extra money.